DEER by Pamela A. Mitchell

Chris F

DEER

After nearly thirty years, it hit me. My marriage was ending. At the same time, my mother, who lived three thousand miles away, was battling cancer. In addition, our fifteen-year-old son was acting out in rage.

Anguish ravaged my soul.  I knew I needed to be alone. To go to the desert to pray. 

I drove 350 miles to the high desert. Our son stayed with a friend. His mother was very aware of our situation. She graciously took him in.

When I got to the motel, I unpacked and decided to walk. I was on my way to the nearby canyon river when I fell down. My body shook with grief, and I began keening in horrible screams that frightened me. I had not physically hurt myself. I felt like I was expelling my life as I sobbed. Disbelief rattled my body like a snake. How would I go on? Where would I go? I needed my mother, yet in truth, she was dying just like my marriage.

As I unleashed my grief into the earth, I raised my head to look toward the river. What I saw startled me. A semi-circle of deer stood between me and that river canyon. They were snorting, bleating, and scraping their hooves in the dirt. I was afraid, thinking they might attack me. But I knew better. I decided to continue lying there and began to talk to them. I quickly realized they were worried. They knew something was wrong. As I spoke to them softly, I reassured them I would not hurt them.

Slowly and gently, I sat up, then realized. They already hurt. They were hurting for me.

© Pamela A. Mitchell

Pamela A. Mitchell

Pamela A. Mitchell completed nursing school at SUNY Upstate Medical in Syracuse, N.Y., received an M.F.A. from Goddard College, and attended seminary at St. Bernard’s Theological School Albany, N.Y. and Church Divinity School of the Pacific in Berkeley, C.A. Pamela taught writing at SUNY Adirondack Community College, as well as journaling and poetry with psychiatric patients at Saratoga Hospital. Her poetry can be found in various literary journals, including Pulse: Voices from the heart of medicine, The Healing Muse, and the anthology Intensive Care: More Poetry and Prose by Nurses (U. of Iowa Press). She lives in Bend, Oregon, where she teaches and consults in geriatric care. 

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